If you want a smart movie with a solid script and great direction look at any movie in theaters right now, because even a stinker like “The Princess Diaries 2” will seem like an artistic achievement compared to this one.  This movie has characters, but you don’t care- This movie has a some what coherent plot, but you don’t care.  What this movie has is two kick ass Aliens battling it out- “Celebrity Boxing” style.  The infamous Predator going head to head with the slime machine acidic blood Alien- It’s beautiful, much like water ballet for horror movies. 

The Alien is the favorite to win in this god amongst beast’s picture.  Predator has fancy weapons, but he just looks like a reworked Robocop on steroids.  Of course Alien is classic Alien, with his big dome head and person like body with tail.  It’s all very kick ass- the movie has a premise of some sort, but that just ruins the good battles.  To be more precise (as if it mattered with a creature feature like this)  There are three Predators sent to earth to do battle with a swarm of Aliens-  It’s like a big training ground, the Olympics of disgusting Alien species.  The Predators either kick ass and become warriors or get killed in various brutal ways.  The Alien is the perfect form of Indie horror monster and your worst nightmare-  Though watching this slobbery mouth shoot out that killer tongue is amusing.  The Aliens are breed to be the game in this hunt.  They run around in this huge Mayan/Egyptian/Aztec temple and go rounds with the newbie Predators-  It’s tradition or something-  while the elder predators watch with amazement and glee.

Somewhere in the story comes along some humans to be the hosts to the Alien babies.  It’s all perfectly mapped out; sadly the humans are so bland and undeveloped that you forget that there supposed to be more than target practice.  We have an unknown babe-  Sanaa Lathan, trying to do her best “women rule!” character.  She is just a hard ass kicker and her relationship is formed with a Predator (you knew there had to be some animal magnetism)  luckily were spared the Human/ Alien sex scene.  There are also a bunch of other rejects that form the movies hard team or as I like to call them “bait.”-  They all die so fast that none of them become anything real.  Lance Henriksen shows up and still looks like the cyborg he played in the original Aliens, though he does carry a few more wrinkles. 

The magical temple is underneath the ice somewhere in Antarctica where satellites so happen to pick up heat singles.  Heat coming form Antarctica?  Why, that must attract humans!  The plot is so idiotic that you stay with it to see some sweet alien-ation bashing.  The movie plays like a big ole video game and even the bad dialogue comes along for the ride.  When our pesky humans go inside the temple of doom they are met by odd looking statues and writings.  It’s not very interesting, but two archeologist dudes are able to amazingly uncover the sayings in like an hour- okay follow this- Predators came to earth billions of years ago and taught us humans how to build, in return we worshiped them.  In a stupid sacrifice we would let those face sucking pods attach to our face and bust out an alien (We were willing, hell, even privileged).  One fight too many and the Predators lose, so the elder Predators blowup the entire planet.  So it’s up to our crack team to make sure the Predator wins- though they enjoy killing us at will. 

The first battle is awesome- they go all out with matrix type moves and total thrashing.  They slam into walls and roll around beating the daylights out of each other.  Alien has the advantage here with the acidic blood and killer tail. -  Seriously that tail is a deadly weapon.  Predator is smarter- yeah right, they’re like a giant tin cans.  Miss Sannaa becomes friends with the smart Predator and they are all buddy-buddy.  It’s a ridicules setup but somehow it works in a creepy way.  When the Predator makes her a warrior costume using the Alien head as a shield the tail as a spear, you know the movie went off the deep end.  Things never seem right- neither does the dialogue.  Why on earth would anyone talk to an Alien like it could understand us- “Why did you do that?” screams Sanaa, huh, stupid.  He doesn’t reply which isn’t shocking or really that credible.  In the middle of the movie and the killing sprees the last two surviving humans take time to tell us a history lesson- forget that the Predator is lurking next door and wanting blood.  Other uninspired remarks make their way into the script which was poorly written and conceived by Paul W.S. Anderson (Resident Evil folks, thats all I have to say).  I just hope that he didn’t come up with nifty AVP (Alien versus Predator? Duh)  promo this movie is running under.  The movie is shot in plain okay fashion- nothing cool here- though slow motion has become a new favorite among film makers. 

The temple is credible and props go to the production team for almost pulling one off.  Special effects could have been better, but they do fit the material and it’s not the worst I’ve seen.  Though I should point out that the temple looks so freaking CG that it sucks.  Antarctica looks pretty, but doesn’t it always this time of year? What really matters in this movie is the battles between bad and ugly- we get super toss around action and plenty of acidic blood.  Predator loses big time, but give me a break, Aliens are like- super freaky.  Just see what they do to their gigantic mama, she screams and goes bizerk.  Though it’s understandable after giving birth to a dozen or so Aliens, I have to say that yes I’m partial to the Aliens-  I just love them. They get down to business and they know exactly how to kick butt-  it’s all aggressive and in your face.  The movie sucks and the plot goes nowhere, but you don’t watch this movie for a great story- you watch it to see major ass kick’en.  It’s not great by any means and it could have been a much better concept- with constant re-working.  But I should add that where else are going to see a girl running in a frozen grave yard of giant whale bones being chased by a six story queen Alien?  Exactly. The movie is all about pay back and I for one will always s be in the Aliens corner.  The movie also leaves the worst- please give me a sequel ending.  The heroic Predator that dies has a baby alien shoot out of its chest and screams into the camera, really the only way to end the movie and this review.  Hissssssss?