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1 Minute Review Archive: Page 1

	Man on Fire   Denzel Blazes through this Burn....                       With Denzel Washington as your lead man you can really do no wrong, but sadly Denzel gets burned in this sad adaptation.  Man on Fire is a remake of a 1980’s movie of the same title, which was a movie from the A.J. Quinnel novel, but this time it’s directed by Tony Scott (Ridley’s little bro.) who here is just to all over the place.  He doesn’t bring enough to the film to stop making it feel like a revenge trailer on steroids.  This film is shot in Latin America or more precisely Mexico City- where the film makes you believe that it’s a kidnappers paradise- there being one every 14 minutes or so.  It’s hard to believe but we get a nasty, disgusting, hellish, city where everyone is corrupt including the cops.  The film makes it into the worst place on earth, then at the end runs a “Mexico is a very special place” credit that makes you laugh.  The first half of the movie is nicely executed by Scott, in which a former assassin is hired by a wealthy business man to take care of his little girl, it’s basically being a babysitter with a gun.  The business man is Samuel Romes played very intensively by Marc Anthony- who is credible, but a little overly nervous the entire time like a Chihuahua.  His wife, Lisa Ramos, is played with a grisly demeanor by Radha Mitchell.  Her character feels nicely fleshed out and full of so many emotions that are nicely caught by the actress.    Denzel plays the assassin with a conscious a little too heavily, but you have to give it up to the man- who here is as credible as in any of his other films.  The girl he watches is played by a superior Dakota Fanning who is able to steel the entire movie from most of her co-stars.  She’s a bundle of energy and her “I’m really cute” persona never comes off as nauseating.  The girl seems to be nine going on thirty, with a maturity level that fills the screen.  Dakota and Denzel play off each other well and give the screen life when their both on.  Sadly, Scott over dramatizes everything to the ground- making the screen so saturated with color that everything is fuzzy and horribly lit-  Scott should have watched “Traffic” for some pointers on how to do over saturation. The little girl or Pita Ramos, is able to break down the assassins strong emotional barrier to make him smile again.  He has lived his life with regret and there is nothing that makes him feel at all alive.  Scott goes way over the top throwing the man into a biblical redemption filled with crosses, candles, guns, tears- its all here folks.  His name is John Creasy and he drinks, well that would be an understatement- he drinks a lot, really we should just call him the keg master.  Pita affectionately refers to old John as Creasy bear and writes in her journal that she loves him.  All this is important because when little Pita is stolen the emotional substance is there to make us want to care.  Her abduction scene is sad and awful, which John almost kills himself trying to save Pita.  Sadly when we lose Dakota, the film takes a nose dive straight into bizarre world.  John goes into killer mode where he sets out to find answers after spending only a few days in a hospital to recover from his multiple gun wounds.  This part of the film has him going to a rave, meeting a napper junkie, and giving hell to anyone who even looks at him.  The dialogue is so weird that it sometimes doesn’t even make sense- it’s very erratic and strange.  Creasy doesn’t give justice he enforces it and that has him cutting a guys fingers off one at a time for information, shooting anybody to make a point, putting a bomb up a guys bum and having an arsenal of weapons to destroy anything he wishes.    Are we supposed to feel sorry for the guy?  Because sadly I don’t think anyone does.  He’s as mean and dirty as the people he’s killing.  Scott doesn’t help matters in the way that he shoots the movie- it gives you sea sickness watching it on dry land!  Not to mention that he uses rolling, fading, scrolling, bolding, and exaggerating text for subtitles even when words are in English.  The film makes every scene written by Brian Helgeland into an exercise in hysterical rampage- making his script feel like a bloodbath free for all.  The color of the film is already bad, but to have the film feel like the camera man had a nervous twitch the entire time is sad.  Creasy has a good friend in ex-assiason Rayburn who probably makes the worst line in cinema history not sound so bad:  “Death is an art, and this is his master piece.”- Only Christopher Walken could say that and make it out alive.  Walken plays Rayburn with little weirdness which is a huge stretch for Walken, who is the definition of weird acting.  Creasy in the end gets off too easy and little more can be said.  There are some unexpected plot twists along the way that makes Man on Fire worth a watch and the chemistry between Dakota and Denzel is unbelievably perfect.  It’s a shame that a cast so well rounded and strong would have to deal with Scott’s over direction.    Final MovieFIX: êêê out of 5-  Man on Fire scorches a good cast and blazes the entire second half, but with Denzel and Dakota you get a movie worth watching, plus Christopher Walken is normal!      "Man on Fire" Directed by Tony Scott; written by Brian Helgeland, based on the novel by A.J. Quinnell; photographed by Paul Cameron; edited by Christian Wagner; production designed by Benjamin Fernandez, Chris Seagers; music by Harry Gregson-Williams; produced by Scott, Arnon Milchan, Lucas Foster. A 20th Century Fox release of a Fox 2000 Pictures presentation; opens Friday, April 23. Running time: 2:22. MPAA rating: R (language and strong violence). John Creasy - Denzel Washington Pita Ramos - Dakota Fanning Samuel Ramos - Marc Anthony Lisa Ramos - Radha Mitchell Rayburn - Christopher Walken Manzano - Giancarlo Giannini Jordan Kalfus - Mickey Rourke
	Underworld   Under-whelmed                     To say Underworld was an underachievement would be harsh.  The movie doesn’t lack substance or style, but it doesn’t live up to its own hype.  It tries to be too many other “movies” that have done what it’s mimicking much better.  The movie pushes itself deep into vampire/ werewolf territory where things are of course dark and gloomy.  It seems that werewolves and vampires have been at war for year’s right under our noses.  Though I don’t know how, because they shoot each other up in subways and don’t mind shooting anything that moves- I think it would make me a little suspicious.  But as the story goes the vampires are the upper rich class society, the sleek Goths who love parties and rituals, where as the werewolf’s are the trashy things that live in the sewers and dress thrift shop chic.  In the middle of our story lies the beautiful and interesting Selene played with a steely presence by Kate Beckinsale.  Now it is true that Beckinsale can act, but here all she needs to do is look good in skin tight leather, which she does well.  Though it looks like somebody raided Carrie-Anne Moss’s trailer for leftovers, but I digress.  In a time long ago a werewolf fell in love with a vampire, which totally freaked out the vampires- so they went all out war on the werewolf clan.  Vampires find it disgusting for both to mix, but leave it up to the vamps to get the last word.     Don’t be lead to believe that they are all moral and everything because they are not and this is completely true judging by the leader vamp Kraven (props for the name) who is whiny and not forceful in the least, making a pack with the head werewolf Lucian.  Kraven is played by brute Shane Brolly in a thankless role and Lucian is played by Michael Sheen in a desperate attempt to be the bad-dog in town.  The wolves aren’t all dumb; they do have a smart idea to mix the blood of both species to make a super creature that they could use to destroy the snobby vamps.  The host for their little experiment is Michael Corvin a lonely human guy with no friends and a French renaissance styled apartment.  Michael is played with gee-whiz factor by TV’s Scott Speedman, here doing nothing more than being a breathing prop piece.  He gets kidnapped and kicked around for the entire film, having few lines and no real story.  He is meant to be the vampwolf that kills everything.  Scott has a subtle nice guy quality that gives his character some presence.  There is also a love story between Selene and Michael that consists of two dopey eyed looks and one kiss, which is basically the entire romance.  Kate really takes the movie places and her over posing makes the material sore giving a cold performance with a human touch.  She does un-dead well, but lacks the screen presences to seem so in demand of things.  For anyone who cares the werewolves are actually called Lycens.  The movie is sleek and stylish given a dark film noir by Bruton Jones, who here envisions French revival Goth with a dramatic flair.  The direction is nice, but tries way too hard with the wire work and a “Matrix” type feel.  The screen is shot in a steel hue that lends the transfer to feel very blue and soft, where red colors seem to just pop.  Len Wiseman could have done a better job plotting the story along- watching people flip in slow-mo is no longer considered awe inspiring.  The costumes rock and especially the vamps who give gothic retro chic a new look and have killer weapons to boot.  I don’t know who’s idea it was to give the werewolves daylight bullets, but it works.    With a movie like this you know that the story is credited to at least six writers because there are so many angles and views explored that it’s just to mumbled for its own good.  The story is simplistic, but the over dramatic screenplay gives way too much into redundant themes and a massive soap-opera saga.  The movie pleas for a sequel and I’m sure they’ll get it and hopefully improve the story and its characters, and try to loose the style over substance mantra.    Final MovieFIX: êêê1/2 out of 5- The vamps bring style and the werewolves bring blood in this all out gothic matrix-hybrid action thriller.  Plus, did I mention Kate Beckinsale wearing leather?   "Underworld" Directed by Len Wiseman; written by Danny McBride; story by Wiseman, McBride, Kevin Grevioux; photographed by Tony Pierce-Roberts; production design by Bruton Jones; edited by Martin Hunter; produced by Gary Lucchesi, Tom Rosenberg, Richard S. Wright. A Screen Gems release; opens Friday, Sept. 19. Running time: 2:01. MPAA rating: R (strong violence/gore and some language). Selene - Kate Beckinsale Michael Corvin - Scott Speedman Kraven - Shane Brolly Lucian - Michael Sheen
	Scary Movie 3   Three times a harm...              It’s sad and not even a little amusing that this disaster of a film was made.  It’s much better than the second film, but worse than the first film which isn’t much of a compliment considering the material wore off after the first anyway.  The Wayne’s brothers are replaced for this go around and now we get zanny David Zucker the man behind some the best lampoon movies ever made (Airplane! a classic really).  But just to notify you that the genre has died he replaces pop-culture satire with pathetic attempts at sight gags.  Nothing is funny in a movie like this and the entire script is uninspired, which is odd considering that it was written by five writers- one that includes the raunchy Kevin Smith.  Scary Movie makes fun of a few films, but mainly it keeps The Ring, Signs, The Others, and 8 Mile in most of its jokes.  The plot is just about the same as the Ring as there is a killer video tape floating around that seems to kill people after watching it in seven days.  And just like in “The Ring” a voice calls at the other end to notify you that yes you will die.  To play the Naomi Watts role we get Cindy Campbell who seems to be the only survivor of the last two films, playing a news anchor that has the creepy “Ring” kid that talks funny.  I have to say that the kid is inspiring and he is a funny addition to the movie, sadly that’s where it ends.  Cindy is played with a perky personality by Anna Faris who here is subjected to more sight gags and raunchy behavior, plus a really bad blonde dye job.  A host of other B-list stars are along for the ride including Queen Latifah, Eddie Griffin, (insert any rappers name here), Leslie Nielson, George Carlin, Denise Richards and Simon Cowell.  It also has boob-bomb shells Pamela Anderson and Jenny Mcarthy doing a pretty inspired bit, making fun of their image.  Sadly the camp value rings too true as both Pam and Jen seem just a little old and super inflated.  Charlie Sheen for some reason is in this and half the time he doesn’t even seem to know where he’s at.  His story is non-existent, which sadly makes no sense why he’s even there.  The love section of this movie is between Simon Rex and Anna Faris that fizzles into nothing quicker than most onscreen romances.  Simon Rex plays wannabe white rapper an “Eminem” styled farm boy who dreams of making it big, but instead of giving the rapper some jabs they take the easy way out and do some more sight gags.  There are parts of the film that are funny and thank god for Regina Hall, who is the bomb.  Everything else pretty much makes for a murky sloppy film shot for all the wrong reasons and makes fun of every popular cliché that it becomes worse than the Hollywood it lampoons.   Final MovieFIX:  ê out of 5-  It is a Scary Movie, but for all the wrong reasons.  It’s a pathetic attempt in what should have been a smart and funny satirical movie of our horror genre.                 "Scary Movie 3" Directed by David Zucker; written by Zucker, Brian Lynch, Craig Mazin, Pat Proft, Kevin Smith; photographed by Mark Irwin; production design by William Elliott; edited by Malcolm Campbell; music by James L. Venable; produced by Zucker, Robert K. Weiss. A Dimension Films release; opens Friday, Oct. 24. Running time: 1:30. MPAA rating: PG-13 (pervasive crude and sexual humor, language, comic violence and drug references). Cindy Campbell - Anna Faris Tom Logan - Charlie Sheen Brenda Meeks - Regina Hall U.S. President - Leslie Nielsen Orpheus - Eddie Griffin The Oracle - Queen Latifah
	Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen   A Really bad Confession...             Sadly the only thing that can be said about this Lindsey Lohan vehicle is what a pathetic attempt it was to try to create a comedic-coming of age film.  The plot is so contrived that the movie suffers greatly from too many underdeveloped side stories that it never makes any sense.  The star is the un-remarkable Lindsey Lohan, who with previous movies has made no long lasting impression, though her turn in Freaky Friday showed promise.  This raspy voiced Hilary Duff crusader never registers as a character, but a mere caricature.  The plot revolves around a thirteen year-old girl who is moved by her family to the dismal world of New Jersey from the fabulous life she was living in New York.  Who knew New Jersey was a wasteland? And really who cares?  Because this story never gives you any reason to care about any if its characters.  Lola (Lohan) is forced to be the great actress at her school, get into a rock concert and after party, plus be a drama queen the entire time.  The movie has a love interest, but he’s in and out in five scenes.  Lohan can’t carry the movie and with a cast full of really anxious actors the movie doesn’t go anywhere.  It’s just plot after plot- Does Lola get into the Rock concert?  Does she get the lead in the schools horrible rendition of “Pygmalion” ironically called Eliza Rocks?  Of course she does and with little trouble, lying and scheming her way through the entire plot.  She has these “I’m high on acid” trips, which are presented to us as thirteen year old girl dreams.  This makes the lying okay.  Sadly no amount of lying in the promotion of this movie could have helped-   Final MovieFIX: *1/2-  Lohan fizzles while the movie sinks straight into the dollar bin at Wal-Mart.
	Sabrina   No More Banana's Today...   The contemporary Cinderella tale is told through splendid visuals and heartwarming characters embodied by some of 1954’s biggest stars.  The story is a simple one- when two brothers, one a playboy and the other a hard working business man fall in love with the chauffeur’s daughter the comedy and hilarity ensue.  The chauffeur’s daughter is played by non-other than Audrey Hepburn, here seeming ever as charming.  When she is a little girl she sits in a tree and watches the magnificent parties below as the rakish younger David Larabee has his way with beaming socialite beauties.  Audrey plays Sabrina with an endearing quality half of the time seeming clueless and giggly and the other full fledged French class.  Sabrina’s father has it set up to have his daughter sent to France to learn how to become a chef- while in France this girl matures into a fashionable French beauty.  Upon her return to the Larabee mansion she runs into David again and he falls madly for this girl.  It sometimes appears unsettling that she was already fourteen when he was in his late twenties, but the movie never seems to mind.  David is played by William Holden an ever brash fellow with an eye for gag humor and “countless foot in your mouth” expressions.  Holden plays the character witty and sexed crazed giving him no depth or evolution, just comic relief.  In order to secure the Larabee name and fortune Linus who is David’s older and much more sophisticated brother wants to marry him off to a sugar princess- a girl whose daddy is loaded from the Sugar Kane fortune.  It’s hard for the guy to do that because David is making googly eyes at Sabrina the entire time.  So Linus decides to court the pretty young thing in order for her to fall in love with him and save the Larabee name.  In a strange and shocking twist Linus falls for Sabrina!  Linus is played by film legend Humphrey Bogart, who here looks a bit tired and worn around the edges.  He had been making films for at least twenty years and the strain was shown on this film.  Though, being the actor that he was he slammed Holden into the ground, coming off funny and sincere through out most of the picture.  There were reports that Bogart and Holden were not excited to work together because each had different views of what was funny, that lead to many arguments on stage.  I guess we should just chalk it up to film noir because you could see the tension on screen.  Hepburn is able to carry the movie in an effective and elegant way with style and a beautiful bashfulness that never felt placid or misplaced. The three leads dance around each other in contrived scenes of balls and parties.  Hepburn and Bogart have a strong chemistry that carries the picture with ease and even the most contrived plot sequences have their sentimental strength.  It all works and working with film director Billy Wilder didn’t hurt, the film feels very large and romantic, it’s the romantic comedy of yesterday and it still looks good today.    Final MovieFIX: ****- Cinderalla never looked so good and old movies never felt so romantic..and sorry we have no more bananas today.     Starring Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn, William Holden, Walter Hampden, John Williams, Martha Hyer Director(s) Billy Wilder Screenwriter(s) Billy Wilder, Samuel Taylor, Ernest Lehman Studio Paramount Production Company Paramount
	Scooby Doo 2:  Monsters Unleashed   Scooby Doo where are you!           To call Scooby Doo 2:  Monsters Unleashed an exercise in mind numbing excess and a pathetic attempt at anything original would be an understatement.  This movie is horrible and it basically insults (with a slap in the face non the less) any five year old with an imagination.  The movie is sloppy and sadly misses the chance to do something original and far less cartoony.  The ninety minute slapstick feature offers nothing more than fart jokes and endless rollercoaster rides through lush sets.  The special effects are so dominating that the entire thing might as of well have been a cartoon in the first place.  The plot is irrelevant and so mumbled that I couldn’t stay with it, nor did I care to.  There was pretty much just sight gags through the entire thing and so many juicy opportunities to have some sophisticated satirical humor were completely over looked.  If Shrek can give a little to the parents and a little to the kids, why can’t Scooby Doo.  The cartoon knew what it was doing and did it much, much better.  The onslaught of excessive sets is distracting and even worse when we get a bunch of B-list actors trying to punch non existent material.  The costumes are also nauseating as colorful pieces of garbage moving around the oh-so-groovy sets.    Our main cast is a little more than lackluster and even less credible this time around.  The brainless Freddie Prinze Jr. plays Fred, and boy does dumb ever seem like the perfect word.  I have yet to see Freddie act and even though he is so popular, doing a little bit of actual actors work wouldn’t hurt the man.  His funky hair from the first film is replaced by a Paris Hilton type bob, which makes Freddie look like a hopeless hap.  The more credible Sarah Michelle Geller has no idea how to play Daphne, what she gives is the dumb red head routine- over and over.  Sarah can do good work, but here is left with little to work with- including some of the worst dialogue I have heard from any kids movie.  Our poor Buffy doesn’t really know if she should just look cute or stop acting all together (I recommend choice two).  Two of the more technically correct caricatures are from Mathew Lillard as Shaggy and Linda Cardellini as Velma.  Mathew hits a home run playing the ever lovable pot head Shaggy and giving one of his better performances to date.  What Mathew isn’t given is any character development and a lame subplot story line.  Mathew is treated with zero respect by this script and even his stoner shtick runs thin quick.  Linda does Velma well and even has the look and mannerisms down pat, but our  nerdy lesbian has to deal with a whackjob romantic storyline.  Linda has talent and its wasted to the ground, but Velma seems to be the only character that is “only” a little annoying rather than just plan disgusting.  We also have CGI Scoob- who by all accounts should be shot old yeller style.  He’s a pain to watch and sadly has little to do than fart and wreck other CGI crap.  We are also thrown Peter Boyle and Alicia Silverstone (or aka where’s my career?) as a supporting cast worthy of late night infomercials.    I didn’t expect much going into this film, because the first one did mean box office.  If something works you just do more of that same crap for the sequel.  It seems that everyone was trying to make a good ole’ camp story, but they sadly failed making a lavish disappointment.  When your sets and CGI basically kill your actors you know you don’t have a movie anymore- just an excuse to get a bigger paycheck.  The movie could have been better and gave a few nods in everyone’s direction, plus when you have good material from the cartoon it’s a shame that you don’t work with it.  You should never insult children, they’re smarter than Hollywood gives them credit for.   Final MovieFIX: ½ out of 5- A pathetic excuse for a sequel or a movie for that matter.  Just a few tips:  Freddie: take acting lessons, Sarah: stop doing “Buffy” as your only character, Mathew:  you do pot head too well, Linda: remember what it was like being an actress?, and CGI Scoob:  ask to be put out of your misery and see if Jar Jar is available for the third film.              SCOOBY-DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED DIRECTOR: Rajna Gosnell CAST: Freddie Prinze Jr., Sarah Michelle Gellar, Matthew Lillard, Linda Cardellini, Alicia Silverstone RUNNING TIME: 93 minutes RATING: PG for some scary action, rude humor and language
	The Prince and Me   Charming Wanna Be....   The Prince and me is an extremely well made movie for such a low rate premise.  In this little “Roman Holiday”  rip off we get a sad Julia Stiles and an unpromising new comer in Luke Mably.  This movie follows every cliché down to the wire and gets in every fantasy before its bleak two hour run is over.  I didn’t expect much going into this movie and I really felt that it wasn’t going to offer anything new to the world of princess fantasies, but give me a break.  When the Prince of Denmark (who speaks with an English accent, why not Danish?) watches a girls gone wild American commercial.  He sees sexy Wisconsin hotties taking it off for the cameras.  The prince quickly thinks it’s a good idea to trek to Wisconsin for some sexy country girl action, but as we all know- he finds something entirely different.  The Prince is played by new comer or “this is my big break”- Luke Mably who doesn’t dazzle and with an-oh-so prince William look he doesn’t do much else.  Luke throws himself into the material and every time is trumped by the more sophisticated Julia Stiles.  Julia plays the every-country-wannabe-doctor girl that Hollywood likes to trot out for our enjoyment as a deep character.  Julia adapts herself accordingly and makes the material work half the time and the other doesn’t seem to really care.  There’s something wrong with her accent-  it isn’t country, but its like the Hee-Haw version of what she did in “Mona Lisa Smile”.  Julia plays Paige Morgan a down to earth school geek wanting to become a doctor.    Paige is serious about the endeavors in her life and works hard to achieve everything she has so far.  Her ultimate dream is to work with “doctors without borders” program.  So, you have to give it to Paige for being deeper than most characters for these teen-romance pictures.  Paige and the Prince or Prince Edvard meet in a cute way with him asking her to take off her top- (ahhh love at first sight)- of course she douses him with seltzer water, she’s to much of a lady.  Later we find that taking her top off in a Library is more tasteful.  The two have a nice distain for one another for the first twenty minutes of the film, but as he gives her coaching advice on Shakespeare and she shows him the finer points of doing laundry a love blossoms.  Edvard is followed by man servant Soren played with satirical wit by Ben Miller.  Ben gets all the laughs in this movie and rightly so- coming off as a classic cynical middle aged man with no real life.  Edvard’s parents are played by James Fox and Miranda Richardson, both being slapped in the face and given pathetically flat characters.  Wherever Richardson picked up the pathetic accent its gotta go.  James seems to make no effort as King Haraald and you really don’t blame the man- given nothing to do.    After Edvard and Paige “get down on the farm” so to speak the movie slowly plots along giving way to more pop music montages and an array of beautiful dresses to make girls feel like the Gap is just no enough.  The exciting stunts come from a heart pounding lawn mower race and even some nice horse antics are thrown in later.  When the press finds the lovely couple in a compromising position (almost having sex in the Library- which makes the movie even more romantic and that PG rating questionable) Edvard has to tell Paige that he is a Prince who came to America to find himself – or shirtless sexy farmer college girls.  The Prince then jets back home where he learns that his father is ill and that he will have to take the thrown soon.  Paige desperately follows and then we get to the Princess segment of the movie.  She wears dresses and looks hot the entire time, but then she gets to thinking and would rather be back home getting some lov’in from the cows, so she decides that maybe this isn’t the life for her.  The movie then stretches out some more until they get together- it doesn’t flow very well and at the end of the day were left with a sour taste in our mouths- because really there is nothing that makes this movie okay.  The production value is decent and Martha Coolidge directs with a bubbly style, but the four credited writers needed to stop drinking while writing the tired script.   Final MovieFIX: êê1/2 out of 5-  Julia never really sparkles and Luke barely makes it out as the dashing prince, this fairytale isn’t one for the books or screen.   "The Prince & Me" Directed by Martha Coolidge; written by Jack Amiel, Michael Begler, Katherine Fugate; photographed by Alex Nepomniaschy; edited by Steven Cohen; production designed by James Spencer; music by Jennie Muskett; music supervisor Robin Urdang; produced by Mark Amin. A Paramount Pictures/Lions' Gate Entertainment release; opens Friday, April 2. Running time: 1:51. MPAA rating: PG (some sex-related material and language). Paige Morgan - Julia Stiles Prince Edvard/Eddie - Luke Mably Soren - Ben Miller King Haraald - James Fox Queen Rosalind - Miranda Richardson Amy Morgan - Alberta Watson